Hello my name is Whitney and I am proud to say I am Bryce's mommy. Bryce was found to have anencephaly back in April. On June 6th, 2008 he came into this world from my womb. He came very early then expected. He weighed 3 pounds, 2oz. and 16in long. I am now making the final arrangements for my sweet baby. I am so lost in sorrow and feel numb. I really could use support in this time. Any advice would help.
Thank you
Whitney

Hi Whitney..
I am Stacie, I lost my daughter Gracie to Anen back in November. I know how hard it is to believe this is all happening. I took many many pictures with Gracie and got her hand & footprints and other things the hospital gave to me. I made a scrapbook with everything. I slept with that and a blanket I had bought for her before I knew of anything for a long time. I sometimes still sleep with the blanket. It makes me feel like she is with me. Weird, but thats what helps me sometimes. We had her cremated and I still have her ashes. I made all the arrangements to have them buried with my grandfather, but back out at the last minute. When I am ready I will know. I am so sorry to hear about Bryce. Its really a hard hard thing to go through and except. Here I am almost 7 months later and still dont believe it, sometimes.. Anything I could to help let me know. I will be praying for you and Bryce.
Stacie

Hi Whitney,

Firstly I want to say welcome... welcome to this site for assistance in your grief. What a beautiful name for a beautiful angel... Bryce.

Your grief is still very raw... all I can offer you at this particular stage is a HUGE warm cyber hug.

I want you to know you are never alone.

People like you and me go through their darkest hours in the weeks after having a baby with anencephaly. In this time you really need to take good care of yourself and try not to be swallowed by that big black hole that seemingly looms by your side.

I am coming up to Savannahs 2 year anniversary this year and I am still looking for answers. I sometimes find myself being consumed by that hole and dont know where to turn.

I look to this site for people to be able to come to, vent, express their feelings and know that people here understand....

Understand that same loss.....

When I lost savannah, people around me didnt understand my loss... I hadnt miscarried... I hadnt had the baby die inside me... I had a baby that felt, kicked, moved and was everything that a baby should be... which I chose to have born early due to the fact that my beautiful little girl would never be with me. I was prolonging the inevitable.

It took me a long time to come to terms with her death.

I had Savannah cremated, and the days leading up to her funeral I made little booklets with her photos and a few poems for people to remember her. I also got a bright orange keepsake box (I wore alot of orange during her pregnancy) and a candle.

Savannahs items were all placed in her box, along with her ashes.

A friend of mine made a beautiful quilt which I slept with alot after her funeral... it was a peaceful reminder of her.

I also went to a psychic expo in my local town.. and found that just talking about how I was feeling deep down on the inside helped as much as it hurt.

I began to look forward to my life and noticed how lucky I am to have it.

I also had a little boy named Xavier who was 2 whom needed me to be there for him.. and he helped pull me through it.

All I can say is hunny.... there is a light at the end of this tunnel.. and as dim as it may seem at the moment, hang in there hunny cos it does get brighter with time.

xxoo ((hugs))

I know what you mean by having to be strong for your son. I have a another little boy named Kyler who is 18 months old. I am trying to be strong for him but sometimes it seems I can't even be strong for myself. I feel like a I am stuck in a crazy nightmare and I am just waiting to be woke up. But I am already awake and having to face reality. I don't even know if I am making any sense. Earlier this evening I had my long hair chopped off. At Bryce's birth I had snipped a small piece of his hair. And in his hand I am going to lay a lock of my hair. That way I always have a piece of him and he always has a piece of me. All of this seems so surreal. Tomorrow is the funeral and the last time I get to touch my sweet angel. And I know I am going to be a complete emotional wreck. It is just so hard to say goodbye when you didn't get to say hello. When you don't get to hear the first cry, see the first smile, first word, and first step. I try to give myself comfort in knowing he is in heaven. But it is all so much to take in, in what seems such a short time. My heart doesn't ache it feels like it isn't even there. Shattered into a million pieces. I guess it is finally becoming a reality to me. Although I so wish it wasn't. I am scared and a whole another bunch of emotions. I am just a robot and so numb. How do I get through this? How do I stay strong for my little boy? I guess I just have to look for inner strength.....

It all seems so surreal. Everybody around me is starting to get back to their normal lives but not me. I feel like I have completely shut down inside. I am suppose to be taking care of a newborn. But I am trying to cope with the lost of my baby. I just don't know how to feel anymore. I feel like nobody around me fully understands what I am going through. They try to be supportive but it really doesn't help me. That is why I come here. We all have had the same heart ache. So we all fully understand. I keep trying to be strong for my little boy Kyler. I don't even know how to be myself. This is the hardest time in my life. And all I can think of is Bryce.

Whitney...

HUGE hugs hunny.. I am so glad that you are able to come on here and let us all know how you are feeling.

Everything you say Whitney makes me think back to the times when I was at my darkest. No matter what anyone says or does hunny, nothing will make you feel better.

It was when I finally relised this, that I was able to move forward and heal myself. At the moment this may seem so far out of your reach... So I understand how you are feeling.

The surreal feeling... yes I know that feeling all too well. It was like Everyone around me was telling me the sky was pink with purple polka dots and I was saying it was blue. Not a nice feeling.

I had a lot of anger towards everyone... mainly for just going on as if nothing happened. The anger started to consume me and I started turning very bitter. I felt I wasnt myself anymore. I felt like I needed to be with my savannah...

At her funeral my milk came in.. and as terrible as it sounds- I wanted to grab that tiny box of ashes that was MY daughter and run away and feed the box. So I know those surreal feelings hunny... I really do.

The numbness you are feeling will eventually be easier to deal with hun... trust me. As i saud earlier, there is a light at the end of this tunnel.. and no matter how dim that light may be at the moment, it will get brighter... with time.

((hugs))

Hi Whitney,
Im sorry to hear you lost your beautiful baby boy Bryce. It is very hard to get throught but you will. You need to give yourself time to grieve. I lost my son Edward 12-13-1984. And there are still day that I cry. Life has gone on and I have raised 3 more children after lossing him and they are what keeps me going. You will also find that place in your life. It will take time and your little boy at home will be your shining star. He will be what helps you heal. Dont forget he is there and let him be part of burying his little brother. My children even though they came after there brother would go to the gravesite with me and leave little toys. (matchboxes etc.), and our Christmas tree goes up on his birthday and we bring ballons to the cemetary. And now they are older they all in there own way find themselves going to his grave when they need too.Find ways with your son to remember his little brother he will be grieving also. He wont know how to show it but he will be. And together you will heal as much as you possibly can. Through my sons passing I have made lots of friends people who would have never touched my life, remember that there is a reason God took your baby boy. Be strong and try not to get upset with other for they do not know how to help you. I hope I have helped you. below read a poem my mom wrote to my son when he passed away. For you also had a unique baby and I want to share it with you.

Eddie,
In your uniqueness
and special beauty
Child or my child
I love you so.

Like your mother
you grabbed my heart
with baby fingers
to never let go.

Love Grandma
Your baby Bryce also grabbed your heart with his baby fingers and he will be with you always.
<3
Kathleen
mother to Edward Robert Maranda
12-13-84

Beautifully said kathleen....

Today it has been a week since Bryce was laid to rest and its a real hard time for me. I just got done looking at some pictures of Bryce that was dropped off to me yesterday. I instantly burst into tears. I started asking God why? Why my child? Why can't you just give him back to me? But I know he can't do that. Bryce is in heaven and that's where he will stay. I just wish so much that I can hold him in my arms. I just miss my baby so much. I feel bad because I don't want my life to go on. I just want to lay in bed and cry for my baby. But I know I can't because I have to take care of Kyler. So I get out of bed everyday as if nothing happened and I don't feel this way just so Kyler don't see Mommie cry. I feel dead inside. I feel all the pain and it just bulids up everyday. People try to help me feel better but it doesn't work. All I can think about is Bryce. All I want is Bryce.

Oh hun... I know nothing I say is going to help.. but maybe just knowing that you arent alone in this process may help a little.

I found that by leaning on mums who had been through a loss from anencephaly.. I began to realise that the deadness I was feeling on the inside at the time, was infact an all consuming grief.

I went through many stages of grief and loss... to the point that even now I speak about Savannah and her death as if I went to the shops for some milk.

I feel very disconnected now...

I cannot offer a bandaid hunny.. but I can certainly lend an ear and shoulder to cry on. We are all here to support you through this terrible moment... you have lost your baby.. you have every right to feel what you are feeling.. understand that it IS normal...

I am more than happy to listen to your thoughts and feelings and I am sure all the other mums here can say the same, because at some stage or another, we have felt that devastation and blackness of the pain you are feeling.

It almost can be described as a physical pain, because you have lost a piece of you really...

((hugs))

I know just how you are feeling. I still to this day 7 months later find myself asking WHY.. Why did this happen to me.. Why did you take my baby.. There are so many other people out there that dont deserve children and they get healthy ones.. It still upsets me that everyone has moved on and I alone am stuck with this hurt in my heart.. This baby that I miss so much.. This baby that I didnt get the chance to know, and everyone else just forgot..

I promise you that it will get better, IT WILL NEVER go away, but it will get easier. I looked at Gracies pictures everyday (probably 10X aday) I felt by looking at them I couldnt forget about her. Just about a month ago I finally put her clothes and other things I bought for her away.. Dont be so hard on yourself, time will heal.. You'll never forget what happened and We'll all always question it..

Where always here to talk..
Stacie

Thank you all for your support. It just helps a lot sometimes to just vent it all out to a place where people understand what I am going through. Some days are harder then most. Today I went to Bryce's gave today. Yesterday it had been a week since he was laid to rest. I went and put some flowers and a little star on a stick I painted all in colors of blue with his name on it. I just wanted Bryce to have something with him to let him know I was there and I am thinking of him. And yesterday I got the birth slide show on a dvd. It was so beautiful. I instantly burst into tears. My photographer has the instrumental version of Eric Clapton's Tears In Heaven playing in the background. I really don't know how to work this computer well but if I figure it out I might put a few pictures on. I am not sure yet. And I went to my doctor today and she had me start a prescription of folic acid and a higher dose of my antidepressant medication. My doctor just thought it would be best to start the folic acid now because half of all pregnancies are unplanned. Although I am strongly sticking by my choice to not get into a relationship for 3 years. I just need a lot of time to heal somewhat. Anyway I want to thank you all again for being so much support to me. You understand because you too have been there. Thank you all.
Whitney

Its really a good idea to start the folic acid.. I started it right away. Not neccesarily because I wanted to start trying again right away, because the genetic counsler I talked to told me the folic has to build up in your system for it to actually work.. So she recommended you take it at least a month prior to trying to concieve.. So I just started taking it 3days after I delivered Gracie.. I am glad your feeling better today, time will work wonders.. And you will learn what works for you during the grieving process. And your welcome, it helps me to help people that are where I have been. Take care..
Stacie

How are you doing Whitney ?? Think of you !
<3
Kathleen
mom to Edward R Maranda
12-13-84

I am also thinking of you Whitney!

I hope everything is ok in your world hunni.

xx